Maaaaaan I am mad! All these characters are gonna get it because they are all hiding their emotions by doing dumb bullshit! Somebody has to put these characters in their place and it's gonna be me.
1. Cosmo Kramer
Fuck Kramer. He thinks he is quirky and special and shit but I dont fuck with that. If i was Jerry and Kramer kept bursting in through my door I wouldn't be impressed or like, "isn't that cute," I would be like get the fuck out you psycho, I am cooking chicken in here and want some alone time to think. I don't wanna hear your bullshit business ideas, I have shit to do and my time is tight. I am gonna fight Kramer to give him some personal boundaries.
Fuck the Fonz. Dude thinks he is so cool, well, fuck that. You know what's cool? Just being comfortable being yourself and not acting like you are the shit all the time. No one has the time or patience for that except the little high school kids he hangs out with. If you're so cool and street smart why don't you suck it up and go back to school. That's cool, knowing your limitations but working hard to overcome them. We're gonna fight.
I don't have anything personally against Ross, but I have to fight him for credibility. Ross is almost universally disliked and without fighting Ross, I don't think any of you would take the rest of these fights seriously, and this I cannot abide. So I am gonna fight Ross, who is doing fine and is a fine character, I personally don't have anything against Ross, but I'm gonna fight him because everyone hates him.
4. Frasier Crane
Fuck Frasier and his made up problems. Frasier is a bullshit character who makes up dumb bullshit problems in his head just to occupy his mind because even though he is a psychologist he somehow is unable to enjoy his great life. His apartment is beautiful, his family is healthy and loves him, and all he can do is complain about dumb made up pretentious bullshit. I am gonna snap him out of it.
5. Barney Stinson
Fuck you, BARNEY! Barney Stinson is a gross dude who won't own up to his own crippling depression, so I am gonna beat it out of him. No person who acts like he does -- rattling off rules to the "Bro Code" and saying things like, "When I'm sick, I'll stop being sick and be awesome" -- isn't crippled by a true depression, one that could be made less by just communicating honestly with his friends. I am gonna fight the emotional walls off Barney Stinson.
Fuck off, Wilson, with all your eclectic stories and wise tales. Come out from behind that fence you ass. Are you too good to actually just talk to your neighbor, not just stick your eyes over the fence like your whole face is too good for his peasantry? You're not fooling me ...I know you are full of shit, and you are probably just trying to escape your boring life over on the other side of that fence by acting weird, LETS FIGHT! And then you can hang out like a regular person.
7. Robert Barone
Stand up for yourself, Robert! Or better yet, just live your fucking life! No more of this complaining about Raymond's bullshit. You're a cop, ok? So take some pride and do your job and be happy with yr life. Raymond does not owe you anything and he is not responsible for any of your shit. Take the reins in your own life and be happy, but first, WE'RE GONNA FIGHT YOU WHINY GIANT!
8. The Cast of Full House
You're fine, I just don't like you.